Friday, September 26, 2008
What is it?
What is it? These feelings I have, do they have a name? Is there an explanation as to why I feel I am drowning, slowly asphyxiating whenever he gently touches my elbow? Is there a reasoning to why everytime he draws near, my stomach drops and my heart stops?
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Another Day
He started gently slapping her hand continuesly as she sat at the small table. Not wanting to give away her heart fluttering while blood rushed to her cheeks, she turned her head and gave a slight giggle.
"Stop that weirdo," she said trying to play it cool.
He; however, did not stop.
"Fine, I'll just take your keychain."
"Stop that weirdo," she said trying to play it cool.
He; however, did not stop.
"Fine, I'll just take your keychain."
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Questions I want answered
How do I do it? How do I erase a like for someone? How do I even get off on calling it like? Why do I like? How can I fix it? How can I fix it when I couldn't bare to lose my friend? How do I fix it without losing him? How do I fix myself? How can I like or love someone I don't want to be with? Why am I so confused?
Monday, September 15, 2008
Another...
Another Monday starts over another week.
I feel anger reverberating throughout my body. I'll be damned if I let her get away with being hypocritical. She insist that I get off my "lazy ass" and do everything around the house, but what does she do? She doesn't work, she doesn't clean, she doesn't want to cook. I; however, go to school and have kept my room clean, and not to forget to mention the online classes and the analytic paper I am working on for one of those classes. It is so infuriating that she believes I have to be Cinderella while she sits on lays on the loveseat watching Maury and other mind-numbing talk shows. I don't want to clean the entire house, cook every meal, go to school and get a job. I want to be a kid. I don't want to grow up to be as bitter and cynical as her. I am already fucked up enough. Please, why can't she let me be.
Another agitating thing she did was ask me if I wanted to meet my father. Why would I want to meet him? He has had his chances to contact me. He had a chance to see me when I went to court 6 years ago. I may have felt a twinge of an idea to want to meet him 6 years ago but now I am 19. I don't need him. I have a great dad who would do anything for me. Why must she always bring up Timmy?
Sorry, I was just upset and needed to ramble about my mother.
I feel anger reverberating throughout my body. I'll be damned if I let her get away with being hypocritical. She insist that I get off my "lazy ass" and do everything around the house, but what does she do? She doesn't work, she doesn't clean, she doesn't want to cook. I; however, go to school and have kept my room clean, and not to forget to mention the online classes and the analytic paper I am working on for one of those classes. It is so infuriating that she believes I have to be Cinderella while she sits on lays on the loveseat watching Maury and other mind-numbing talk shows. I don't want to clean the entire house, cook every meal, go to school and get a job. I want to be a kid. I don't want to grow up to be as bitter and cynical as her. I am already fucked up enough. Please, why can't she let me be.
Another agitating thing she did was ask me if I wanted to meet my father. Why would I want to meet him? He has had his chances to contact me. He had a chance to see me when I went to court 6 years ago. I may have felt a twinge of an idea to want to meet him 6 years ago but now I am 19. I don't need him. I have a great dad who would do anything for me. Why must she always bring up Timmy?
Sorry, I was just upset and needed to ramble about my mother.
Sunday, September 14, 2008
< No Title >
Today, nothing happened.
Tomorrow nothing will happen either.
Tuesday, there will be school, some friends, and a state of awkwardness;
however, we are back to Wednesday and the nothingness is once again, in reign.
Thursday will be the same as Tuesday. A series of tiny glances, blushing and awkwardness.
Friday, I should be going to Hickory but as of now, I have no idea how the gas and money will formulate into my hands in order to go. It will most and likely ensure nothingness.
Then Saturday comes around to remind me that my life is obsolete.
YAY FOR HAVING NO LIFE!
Actually no. It is almost unbareable. I hate hearing about so and so doing such and such. I want to be doing such and such as so and so. HEH!
To my actual point. I have this friend. I shall call her Elizabeth. She is an okay friend but I find myself bitter toward her. She really cannot be single. One minute she is sadly heartbroken and then she discovered she wanted to be "free" for a while. She had plans that didn't involve someone else. She wanted to be single for a while. It was then my toleration for her exponentially grew overnight. I wanted to be around her more. However, I should have known, that she could not stay single for long. She is a couple again. I find that toleration declining at and accelerated rate. What does this say about me? I could guess jealousy. I have only been in 2 relationships that lasted for a short while and neither one of those male specimens felt anything then a small twinge of like. Maybe it's true. The Giant Green monster attacks again, eating away at my last bit of hope. I know its frowned upon to have these pangs of envy, but I cannot help but want to have that person that wants to spend time with me. Who wants to be with me, even if it isn't in the traditional sense of the relationship. Maybe not someone who wants to spend time with only me (that's too clingy) but would prefer to be with me over their other options. I want to, for once, recieve true affection. I want to feel special and know for sure that I am not some horrible parasite. I want to know that I am likable and am worth the effort of trying for. I just want to know what it's like to give all I have (like I have in the past) and actually have it returned.
Is it so wrong?
Tomorrow nothing will happen either.
Tuesday, there will be school, some friends, and a state of awkwardness;
however, we are back to Wednesday and the nothingness is once again, in reign.
Thursday will be the same as Tuesday. A series of tiny glances, blushing and awkwardness.
Friday, I should be going to Hickory but as of now, I have no idea how the gas and money will formulate into my hands in order to go. It will most and likely ensure nothingness.
Then Saturday comes around to remind me that my life is obsolete.
YAY FOR HAVING NO LIFE!
Actually no. It is almost unbareable. I hate hearing about so and so doing such and such. I want to be doing such and such as so and so. HEH!
To my actual point. I have this friend. I shall call her Elizabeth. She is an okay friend but I find myself bitter toward her. She really cannot be single. One minute she is sadly heartbroken and then she discovered she wanted to be "free" for a while. She had plans that didn't involve someone else. She wanted to be single for a while. It was then my toleration for her exponentially grew overnight. I wanted to be around her more. However, I should have known, that she could not stay single for long. She is a couple again. I find that toleration declining at and accelerated rate. What does this say about me? I could guess jealousy. I have only been in 2 relationships that lasted for a short while and neither one of those male specimens felt anything then a small twinge of like. Maybe it's true. The Giant Green monster attacks again, eating away at my last bit of hope. I know its frowned upon to have these pangs of envy, but I cannot help but want to have that person that wants to spend time with me. Who wants to be with me, even if it isn't in the traditional sense of the relationship. Maybe not someone who wants to spend time with only me (that's too clingy) but would prefer to be with me over their other options. I want to, for once, recieve true affection. I want to feel special and know for sure that I am not some horrible parasite. I want to know that I am likable and am worth the effort of trying for. I just want to know what it's like to give all I have (like I have in the past) and actually have it returned.
Is it so wrong?
Saturday, September 13, 2008
You're a good man, Charles Schultz.
Okay, If you did not get that reference, you should be shot. Well, maybe not shot but a good thrashing. Wow, I just sound mean.
Anyways. My first blog is going to pay homage to the late Charles M. Schultz and my favorite quote by said inspiration.
"Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love. "
I keep thinking about what this quote could possibly mean. At least I did when I first read it but now I think I am getting the gist of it. At the moment, I can't come down from this high and yet I feel so down. I feel like zombie-like so to speak. Nothing really matters to me (well, that's not true entirely) but the fact that he can't even generously say that he doesn't feel the same is distressing me. I already know he doesn't. I am a big girl. I know I haven't acted so in the past but some things in my life have my mind a little askewed. I have been through a lot more then some could even imagine but the point is I have grown up over the last year. Mostly, the last couple of days (amazingly because of the same person I'm talking about now). The big picture is I am a big girl. Yes, hearing it will be a little hurtful and semi-disappointing but eventually it'll go away. Nothing last forever. Yes, it's a little off-putting considering the extent of the like or even love and the length of this crush or whatever you want to call it. On top of that, unrequited love does generally take the taste of life out of existence. It does hurt more then one can describe to love someone with all the have and have nothing to show for it. It does desensitise life for everyone that comes into play with its cruel games.
With this, I shall just go to sleep. I am tired and it is 3 a.m. just about. Good night my fellow blog readers.
Anyways. My first blog is going to pay homage to the late Charles M. Schultz and my favorite quote by said inspiration.
"Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love. "
I keep thinking about what this quote could possibly mean. At least I did when I first read it but now I think I am getting the gist of it. At the moment, I can't come down from this high and yet I feel so down. I feel like zombie-like so to speak. Nothing really matters to me (well, that's not true entirely) but the fact that he can't even generously say that he doesn't feel the same is distressing me. I already know he doesn't. I am a big girl. I know I haven't acted so in the past but some things in my life have my mind a little askewed. I have been through a lot more then some could even imagine but the point is I have grown up over the last year. Mostly, the last couple of days (amazingly because of the same person I'm talking about now). The big picture is I am a big girl. Yes, hearing it will be a little hurtful and semi-disappointing but eventually it'll go away. Nothing last forever. Yes, it's a little off-putting considering the extent of the like or even love and the length of this crush or whatever you want to call it. On top of that, unrequited love does generally take the taste of life out of existence. It does hurt more then one can describe to love someone with all the have and have nothing to show for it. It does desensitise life for everyone that comes into play with its cruel games.
With this, I shall just go to sleep. I am tired and it is 3 a.m. just about. Good night my fellow blog readers.
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